I have lived in Texas all my life, but have been smoking since I was 8 years old. I lost my mom and not ever knew my real dad. I am now 45 and of course been through a lot in life just like most of not more. I grew up on a boys Ranch through my middle school and high school years. I got married at a young age thinking maybe that’s what I needed in life after almost 10 years of being married and having 4 kids with the same lady, She did not except my way of medicating myself. So needless to say we drifted apart and 16 years later I am still single but during this time of course I turned to trying to Become a better person as well as becoming a better Christian.

I began to serve at a very big congregation Church. While attending and serving I was still using to medicate myself as time went by I began to feel really guilty about my habit or medication is what I called it. Come to find out there were bigger hypocrites in church over what you wore and where you lived and what you drove. So as I started seeing these things I started realizing maybe the church was not a place for me. I felt like I got more out of studying on my own and searching even deeper for GOD doing my own thing.

So here I am again suffering from muscle pains, sleep and stomach problems. So I have been clean for a few months and , now find myself wanting to start back up again, I am not sure if it’s a Godly thing or not. I just opened a new business and I find myself stressing out even more about this Topic, because in my head I feel like GOD will punish me if I start back up again. So now I find myself confused about all of it . ( Is it right or is it Wrong) will GOD understand or will I lose it all?  Seeking for advice and Help with this Matter.